Guest Blogger Stephanie Renee's WTF Guide to The GRAMMY's!

Hey good people! I purposely kept myself off of Twitter for nearly the entire 3.5 hour spectacle (read: train wreck) that was the 2012 Grammy Award telecast last night, so I could try to keep my perspectives fresh about what I was seeing and inferring. Now I'm ready to share some of my insights with you, I think.

This is my Top However Many Certified Scratch My Head Moments, in no particular order of offense:

1. As testament to what a rare and exceptional talent Whitney Houston was, I was truly troubled by how--save for JHud's modest tribute to Miss Nippy herself and the AKeys collabo for Etta James--Black culture and our contributions to modern music were only represented by Chris Brown, Rihanna, a cameo by Lil Wayne and the epic theatrical f*ckery of Nicki Minaj (to be explored in detail in a later bullet). If THAT is all that we have to give in 3.5 hours of awards and performance, soul music is dead in the water, folks. Cyanide, carbon monoxide, pills, noose and all.
2. Last year, we discussed in detail the troubling nomenclature of the group Lady Antebellum, despite how much I like the song that won them their awards. This year, their award acceptance was immediately followed by a group named The Civil Wars?? Frikkin REALLY? My Twin and I joked that next year, they'll be presenting a new group called Emancipation Revoked, with their hit album Clan (with a C) Culture.
3. Speaking of Southern fried foolishness, I'ma need one of y'all to splain to me the set design for Taylor Swift's performance. I am not a fan of her, but the song was cute. What was not in any way cute was the HeeHaw meets Junkyard filled with the burnt out remains of Tara backdrop that those good country folks were standing and singing on. And Taylor plays banjo too, huh? In the words of Sling Blade, mmmmhmmm.
4. Was there a particular memo that went out for this year's awards that said "Country Is The New Cool?" The Aldean/Clarkson duet, the Taylor Swift situation, The Civil Wars, The Lifetime Achievement Award & performance with Glenn Campbell. It was a regular star-studded hoedown! I will try to ignore the irony of the entire background singer ensemble for the Glenn Campbell tribute being GOOD and brown. Us folks just grinnin' and sangin' their hearts out to Southern Nights and Rhinestone Cowboy (both songs that I know, mind you, but this is not the point).
5. Much will be said about Chris Brown being given a woman beater pass and being back in the public eye, but let's just stick to the music, shall we? The Acrobatic Q*bert set and light show, cousin? That negro is from Tappahannock, VA. If this song he performed last night was the very first time that people had ever seen or heard him, he would have been run out of town by a mob with torches. And I don't think my ears were deceiving me that the voice on the chorus sample was Vikter Duplaix, right? Am I making that up?
6. Rihanna, booboo, did you have to bring the ENTIRE club on stage with you? A few background dancers would have worked fine. I had a flashback to an early 90s MC Hammer tour with those fifty-leven folks all jumping and gyrating in their metallic outfits. Overkill, girl. Overkill!!!
7. On the vocal tip, we should be used to Rih-Rih making us cringe, but what was up with Coldplay?? I felt like an American Idol judge for a good part of the show, and especially during that set. Pitchier than a mugg!
8. You know I fully support a special tribute to Don Cornelius acknowledged during the telecast, and thought it was wonderful that they had ?uestlove do the intro along with LL. But to have it actually consist of Chris Brown in a Run DMC getup, an oddly disturbing cameo by Lil Wayne, the Foo Fighters and the weird electronic world of Dead Mouse? Absolutely NOT! Nothing about that "tribute" would have ever been invited to, or welcome on, the Soul Train stage. Don Cornelius had NOTHING to do with that performance, and I'm offended that they feebly tried to create a connection. Nah son. NAH.
9. Leaving Cesaria Evora and Vesta out of the In Memoriam segment? Very unfresh. And not too ironic that they were omitted in a year when 31 categories were also unceremoniously canned. For shame, NARAS.
10. I respect the legacy of Paul McCartney and his contributions to pop music, absolutely. But I can't be the only person who heard that new valentine song and thought, "Sting would MURDER this track!"

11. I appreciated the low-key tribute to Whitney, and I think JHud held it together and delivered the song with genuine reverence. But the song choice was far too obvious and elementary. No one but Whitney should ever sing that song again, especially in such a forum. And with this being an Olympic year, I thought "One Moment In Time" would have brought the house down. Power, message, beauty...minus the weighty  stigma of the "one of a kind voice" that the other tune has. Somebody should be paying me to produce these shows, dagnabbit!

12.And, finally, I cannot even begin to accurately discuss the horrific display that was Nicki Minaj's "Exorcism of Roman." The priest, the prayer stand, the shattering stained glass windows...she better hope that The Vatican doesn't order a hit on her immediately. It only took about 30 seconds before the entire scene devolved into some sort of B-movie sideshow. No order, rhyme (pun intended) or reason. Just HAM, on steroids. Garbage truck juice, by the oceanful.

I'm SURE there are other observations that I am missing here, but those are the biggest top-of-mind catastrophes (and I didn't even take notes). This is all off the dome recollections of a Grade A snafu for the cause of dignified black and brown music culture. I expect this low-level caca from BET, but I suppose I held out hope that NARAS would actually conform to the "high standards" that the elimination of those 31 categories supposedly allows them to do. Silly rabbit!

Your comments and additions are welcome.

Stephanie Renee is a VETERAN musician, writer and film maker.
She produces a great radio show at
www.soulsanctuary.com