The Absolutist by John Boyne

Synopsis From Book Flap:

It is September 1919:  twenty-one-year-old Tristan Sadler takes a train from London to Norwich to deliver a package of letters to the sister of Will Bancroft, the man he fought alongside during the Great War.

But the letters are not the real reason for Tristan's  visit.  He can no longer keep a secret and has finally found the courage to unburden himself of it.  As Tristan recounts the horrific details of what to him became a senseless war, he also speaks of his friendship with Will - from their first meeting on the training grounds at Aldershot to their farewell in the trenches of northern France.  The intensity of their bond brought Tristan happiness and self-discovery but also confusion and unbearable pain.

There aren't a lot of books that can break my heart.  No matter how much I'm able to connect with the characters or find myself lost in the action, I don't make a habit of emotionally investing myself on such a visceral level.  It's not something I make a conscience decision on, I just read so much that if I allowed myself to put my emotions into every book I read, I would be a basket case.  But every once in a while, I can't help myself.  I allow myself to fully invest in what I'm reading.  I get so involved in the character's lives that I'm not able to keep those walls up.  The Absolutist, is one of those cases.

I've been trying to figure out what I can say about this book, without giving way too much away, but get everyone who reads this to read the book for themselves.  I know one of the central themes of this book is how war can change and solidify personal beliefs and what those beliefs can lead too.  This book, in stark terms, examines what can happen when certain beliefs run in the face of what is expected of a soldier in battle.  I may not be wording this right, but I think it's a pretty important idea to explore in the face of what's been going on over the last 11 years.

It's the more personal face of the story that moved me the most though.  More than anything else, this is a story about Tristan and Will.  Granted it's told through the eyes of Tristan, but I think he gives a pretty accurate account of the events that lead up to that unbearable pain mentioned in the synopsis.  I don't think he pulls any punches or makes any excuses for his actions, though it may have been nice to have had Will's reasoning for his own behavior towards Tristan and for his final act that sets the course for the rest of the book.

I can pretty much tell you in one word the motivating factor for most of what happens, fear.  Fear of the unknown, but more importantly, fear of self.  It's the fear of allowing yourself to be who and what you are, that sets everything else into motion.  Neither one of these men can fully accept or deal with what they are feeling or what they did as a result.  It's the waste of life, both physical and emotional, that moved me in a way few books can manage.  It's what happens to both these men as a result of fear that broke my heart and forced me to think of the what might have beens in my own life.  It's not a reaction I want to have from every book I read, but when it does happen, I'm grateful for it.

An American Family by Peter Lefcourt

Part Of The Synopsis From Goodreads:

The sprawling narrative of five siblings, born in the 1940’s, beginning on the day John Kennedy was shot and ending on 9/11. Between these two iconic dates, we follow the fortunes, love affairs, marriages, divorces, successes and failures of the Pearls, an immigrant Polish-Jewish family, from the Lower East Side of New York, to Long Island and beyond.  


The oldest, Jackie — a charming, womanizing attorney — drifts into politics with help from the Nassau County mob. His younger brother, Michael, a gambler and entrepreneur, makes and loses fortunes riding the ebb and flow of high-risk business decisions. Their sister, Elaine, marries young and raises two children before realizing that she wants more from life than being merely a wife and mother and embarking on a new life in her forties. Their sensitive and brilliant half-brother, Stephen, deals with the growing consciousness that he is gay in an era that was not gay friendly. Stephen goes to Vietnam as a medic, comes home, becomes a writer, and survives the AIDS epidemic of the eighties. The baby of the family, Bobbie, high-strung and rebellious, gets pregnant at Woodstock, moves to San Francisco as a single mother during the “Summer of Love,” then winds up in Los Angeles as a highly-successful record producer.

When I was given the opportunity to read a new Peter Lefcourt book, I jumped at the chance.  Now granted, I've only read one of his books before, but that book is one that I've read countless times.  I can't even remember the first time I read The Dreyfus Affair, but it was love at first read.  I was enamored with the characters, the  humor, and the way the author was able to write this compelling love story but make me laugh, cry, and regain my faith in my fellow man all at the same time.  So when the chance to read An American Family came up, it was a no brainer.  I had to do it.

Once I had done it, I found myself comparing it to another book that I read for the first time when I was in the 5th grade.  If I was sick and at my grandparent's house, I would pick up whatever book was available for me to read.  Because of that, I read a lot of books I should never, ever admit to reading.  One of those was Family Album by Danielle Steel.  It was a book I fell in love with, and probably need to reread sometime soon, for a lot of the same reason I loved An American Family.

Both books follow a family through the decades as they got through trials and changes.  They both deal with the 60's counter culture and the Vietnam War.  They both focus on the individual members of the family as they grow up, fall in love, and mess up throughout their lives.  Now the families are from different ethnic, economic, and social backgrounds, but I loved them both.  But where they both hooked, then and now, is how they dealt with one of the brood  growing up gay in a culture that wasn't ready to deal with it.  both Lionel Thayer and Steven Perl are characters that will remain close to my heart for a long time to come (possible FFC posts).  Steven and Lionel, though going through different circumstances, were characters that I could find a bit of myself in.  They were the kind of characters I needed to read about as a teenager.  I needed to know that it was possible to grow up gay and know that I could live a happy life.  A lot of the books I found back then, high school, were on the opposite side of the spectrum.  So it's nice to know there are characters, written by straight men/women, who affirm being gay and not make it a burden for the character.

Now I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm basically saying both books are identical and that if you read one, you read them both.  That's not the case at all.  The two authors have completely different styles and they focus on two different aspects of the family.  Since Danielle Steel is primarily a romance author, that's where her focus stayed throughout the book.  Family Album chronicles the love lives of the character,  and the dynamic between the family was secondary.  An American Family does the opposite.  It focuses on the dynamics between the siblings, their father, mother/stepmother, and great uncle.  It's the romantic relationships outside the main family unit that get second billing.  Of course Peter Lefcourt brings his own style and wit to An American Family that I loved in The Dreyfus Affair.  It's the way he writes those relationships that makes this a book that may remind me of another, but stands out on it's own.  You may be able to get a hint of the relationship between Nathan, the father and his second wife Marylin, from this excerpt.

Maybe Marilyn’s life hadn’t been perfect, but whose was? You made the best of things. She had married Nathan, knowing full well that he was not Prince Charming. He was almost ten years older than her and had three small kids. But he made a living and he didn’t drink. And he had brains. He could speak Polish and Yiddish, as well as English.

Nathan’s problem was that he needed to be prodded to do things. It was she who had to convince him to buy the house in Garden City, right after the birth of Roberta, in 1950. If it had been up to him, they would have stayed in the apartment in Jackson Heights and had the kids double up in the bedrooms. They had scraped together the down-payment for the $19,900 wood frame house on Stratford Drive, which was now worth close to $30,000.

I would like to thank Kate for inviting me on the BookTrib tour. Please visit the tour page to visit the other participating blogs.

Silent Victims by Lynda La Plante

Synopsis From Back Cover: 

Chief Detective Inspector Jane Tennison has moved up the ranks, fighting every step of the way to break through the station house's glass ceiling.  Now, on her first day as the head of the Vice Squad, a case comes in that threatens to destroy everything she has worked for.

As Vera Reynolds, drag queen and night club star, swayed onstage singing "Falling in Love Again," a sixteen-year-old rent boy lay in the older man's apartment, engulfed in flames.  When Tennison's investigation reveals an influential public figure as her prime suspect, a man with connections to politicians, judges, and Scotland Yard, she's given a very clear message about the direction some very important people would like her investigation to take.  Suddenly, in a case defined by murky details, one fact becomes indisputably clear - that for Tennison, going after the truth will mean risking her happiness, her career, and even her life.

Every good journey must end.  I'm still not sure why, but that's what I've been told my entire life.  So needless to say, my time with Jane Tennison has sadly come to an end.  I'm still not sure why only three books were written or why the American version of the show had to come to a swift end.  Tennison is one of those characters that deserves to live a long and healthy life, one where she always comes up on top despite those rooting for her failure.

With Silent Victims, Lynda La Plante moves Jane from homicide to head the Vice Squad.  She knows she is going into the job with something to prove and she is bound and determined to do so.  When her investigation into the death of the 16 year old rent boy leads into murky waters, Jane is warned to keep a narrow focus.  It's only as she digs deeper into the lives of those who surrounded the young man does Jane begin to realize that their is something much bigger going on.  Why was an investigation into public figures and male prostitutes buried before she got to the department?  Why is a man who runs a teen shelter supposed to be so hands off?  Who is keeping secrets they would rather have stay buried?  It's by asking those questions that Jane will either destroy her career or finally prove that she deserves to be where she is at, maybe even something a little higher.

What I adored about Jane is this final installment is that she finally decides to play the game by the rules the "boys" established years before.  She gets down on there level and comes out on top.  She shows that she is not someone to be trifled with and isn't above playing dirty to get what she wants.  I love her. I want to go out and get drunk with her.  She is truly a character that will stay in my head for a very long time.

I will admit to having a few trepidations about the storyline itself though.  I'm always a little leery when authors start diving into the gay community, presumably one that they don't know much about.  Now granted, this is a side of the community I'm not all that familiar with either.  I know a few drag queens, but that's about the extent of it.  I will say the author played up to a few stereotypes, but I don't think it was done in any way that didn't push the plot along.  She, and I'm not sure if this was meant to dampen the stereotypes down a bit, but he was a nice addition to the book.  He didn't get a lot of page time, but it did allow me to not see any bigotry behind the other characters.

Now I know this will be my last new foray into the field with Jane, but I'm looking forward to the day when I'm ready to pick up all three books and give her a chance to amaze me once again.

I would like to thank Trish of TLC Book Tours for the opportunity to read and review this book.  Please visit the tour page to read other review on this and the previous two books.

Favorite Fictional Character --- Northstar

Growing up I was a comic book junkie, not as bad as a lot of kids my age were, but serious enough.  As I grew older though, my interest died down a bit, but never went away completely.  I still knew what was going on with my favorites, even if I didn't read the books all the time.  So when Northstar came out of the closet, I was thrilled.  I had enjoyed him for a few years and found him to be my favorite of Alpha Flight, so him being gay just topped of my love for him.

Born Jean-Paul Beaubier, Northstar had a rather hard childhood.  Shortly after he was born both of his parents were killed and he was separated from his twin sister.  He was raised by distant relatives until they were both killed when he was six, and he was put into foster care.  As he got older he started to realize that he was both gay and a mutant, he has the ability of super speed and can manipulate his own kinetic energy. He acted out by petty theft until someone took him under his wing and introduced him to skiing, an activity that allowed him to train his powers as well.  He had a brief run as a trapeze artist for a circus but quickly went back to skiing, where he won an Olympic Gold Medal.  A medal he had to give back years later when the public found out he was a mutant.

He eventually joined the Canadian team, Alpha Flight, were he was reunited with his twin sister who went by the codename Aurora.  She shared his same ability and when they touched, their powers were amplified.  Throughout the years he was been killed, turned into a zombie, brainwashed to kill other heroes, and adopted a young baby girl with AIDS who dies shortly after.  Now since this is superhero land, he was done all this in different alternate realities, instead of in the same time and space.

His sexuality has been both ignored and explored, in one reality he dated Colossus.  He has had issues with his sister and the public over it and has even mentored another young hero who was gay.  He was been a role  model for thousands of gay kids who needed a hero they could look up to, and thankfully the Marvel writers (for the most part) have allowed him to do just that.

Guest Review Over At Smexy Books

The lovely Mandi of Smexy Books finally got me to review a m/m romance from a female author.  It's only taken a year an a half.  I would love it if you took a few minutes to read what I had to say.  Here is the link for my review of Stolen Summer by S.A. Meade.

Ivan And Misha by Michael Alenyikov (Plus Giveaway)

Synopsis From Back Cover: 

As the Soviet Union collapses, two young brothers are whisked away from Kiev by their father to start life anew in America.  The intricately linked stories in this powerful debut, set in New York City at the turn of the millennium, swirl about the uneasy bond between fraternal twins, Ivan and Misha, devoted brothers who could not be more different: Bipolar Ivan, like their father, is a natural seducer, a gambler who always has a scheme afoot between fares in his cab and stints in Bellevue.  Misha struggles to create a sense of family with his quixotic boyfriend, Smith, his wildly unpredictable brother, and their father, Lyov ("Call me Louie!"), marooned in Brighton Beach yet ever the ladies' man.  Father and sons are each haunted by the death of Sonya, a wife to Lyov, a mother to his sons.  

First of all, I love short stories.  When they are done right, they are short, brilliantly told glimpses into the character's life as they experience some sort of conflict or decision.  When they are done wrong, they can be chaotic in pace and tell a story so full of holes, it seems you are reading a rather large piece of Swiss cheese.  Thankfully this collection falls into that first category. It's a fascinating novel told within the bounds of unsequential short stories.

What I loved about his book is how it, despite the secondary characters, narrowed in on the rather symbiotic (borderline parasitic) relationship between the two brothers, who are fraternal twins.  Relationships between siblings can often times be complicated, messy things with boundaries being crossed countless times.  Things are no different between Ivan & Misha.  They are constantly involved with the most personal things in each other's lives, sometimes making others a bit jealous.   They had a rather traumatic childhood, involving the the death of their mother and a sudden move to a new country, all at a very young age.  Those two events shaped the rest of their lives in ways both good and bad.

They never knew the truth of their mother's death because their father didn't want to burden them with the sickness that slowly took her life.  Instead he told them that she died after giving birth to them.  I think that's the first mistake he made.  That death, and as a result their mother, took on an almost mythical role in their lives.  The story of a mother who dies in able for her children to be born, becomes an example of love that nothing else can ever possibly reach.  It's an a goal that can never be reached by anyone else.  For me, it's that struggle for love that shapes both of their lives.

Because of that warped sense of what pure loves is, it sends both boys down roads and into relationships with those that can never truly be there for them.  Ivan, at a young age, becomes involved with an older man who can never fully commit and gives him HIV.  His next serious relationship, with Smith, is with a younger man who not only can't really commit to Ivan, despite really loving him, but can't commit to a name or an identity for himself.  Misha craves love from his father and anyone else that will have him.  He has an almost manic need to be wanted by someone, a need that he will turn back around on his brother.  It's that last part that shapes their bond more than anything else.

I know quite a few of the reviews I've read take issue with the way the second story ends in the book.  For some it was an action that came out of the blue or was added for the shock value.  When it first happened, I will admit to feeling a little unsure of it myself.  I wasn't able to understand why it was happening or the necessity for it.  Once I finished the book, it made a little more sense to me.  The action takes place in such a profound moment of grief and despair that they both need something to grasp onto as an anchor to keep them slipping over the edge.  After getting to know them, I not only don't think it was out of character for their relationship, but I think that it was almost inevitable.  I could be off base and totally wrong, there may have been another reason for it to happen, but I don't think it was for the shock value.

Ivan & Misha was one of those rare books that keeps my attention long after I've finished it.  Michael Alenyikov writes with one of the most lyrical voices I've had the pleasure to read in a very long time.  He is able to create unique characters and put them into a world that I found both real and unsettling at the same time.

I would like to thank Lisa of TLC Book Tours for the opportunity to read/review this book.  Visit the tour page to read other reviews.

Now for the giveaway.  One lucky commenter, US/Canada only, will win a brand new copy of the book.  All you need to do is leave a comment with your email address.  If you want to let me know of a short story or short story collection that you loved, feel free to do so.  The giveaway will run until 11:59 PM CST on 10/3/11.

Challenges: GLBT

Two For Sorrow by Nicola Upson

Synopsis From Back Cover:

They were the most horrific crimes of a new century:  the murders of newborn innocents for which to British women were hanged at Holloway Prison in 1903.  Decades later, mystery writer Josephine Tey has decided to write a novel based on Amelia Sachs and Annie Walters, the notorious "Finchley baby farmers," unaware that her research will entangle her in the desperate hunt of a modern-day killer.

A young seamstress - an ex-convict determined to reform - has been found brutally slain in the studio of Tey's friends, the Motley sisters, amid preparations for a star-studded charity gala.  Despite initial appearances, Inspector Archie Penrose is not convinced this murder is the result of a long-standing domestic feud - and a horrific accident involving a second young woman soon after supports his convictions.  Now he and his friend Josephine must unmake a sadistic killer before more blood flows - as the repercussions of unthinkable crimes of the past reach out to destroy those left behind long after justice has been served.

I'm always a little hesitant when an author takes a real life person and puts them into a work of fiction, especially a mystery.  I'm even more suspicious when that real life person is herself a mystery author.  I have never read anything that Josephine Tey has written, but a lot of my friends (who's opinions I trust) tell me she is absolutely fabulous.

I'm going to be honest now, despite my reservations, I agreed to review this based off of two things.  First, I fell in love with the synopsis.  Ever since I read 31 Bond Street, I've been looking for well written fiction that deals with an actual crime.  Second, I loved the cover.  It is one of the loveliest I've seen in a long time.  Once I got the book in the mail, the cover was an even bigger treat than I at first thought.  There is a texture to it, as if the real paint had been used to do the illustrations, book by book.  I can't tell you how many times I would just run my hand along the cover as I was reading.  I have never thanked a cover illustrator before, but I think Mick Wiggins did a wonderful job.

Much like with 31 Bond Street, I thought this author did a really wonderful job researching the actual crime involved and making the story come to life on the page.  I almost think it's harder to include a real case into a work of fiction than it is to make something up.  The author has to craft their story around something that they have no control of, instead of taking an event and being able to play with the details in order to tell the story they want to put out there for the reader.  Two For Sorrow is a perfect example of an author crafting a story around a real life event and doing it in such away that there are no seams or imperfections between what's real and imagined.  What was brilliant about it was that while Amelia and Annie play a role in the book, through reading excerpts of the novel that Josephine is writing, they only color what's going on in the present time, they are not the focus.

I also enjoyed the way Nicola Upson brought to life Josephine Tey and her world in London in the early part of the twentieth century.  Josephine Tey became a real person to me, not just a mystery author I've been meaning to read.  Her life and personality came off the page in such a way that if I find out that she wasn't like this in real life, I may be a bit disappointed.  What I did not know until this book, and I did confirm it through other sources, was that Josephine Tey was either gay or at the minimum bisexual.  The way the subject was treated was rather intriguing to me.  It seemed as if lesbianism (no real idea of how gay men were treated) was almost accepted, if not in general society, than in the world that Josephine Tey and her friends inhabited.  It was part of who she was and doesn't seem to have been an issue, at least not in the fictional side of her.  It's made me want to know, not only more about Josephine Tey, but about history of gay men and lesbians during that time in history.

The story itself was wonderfully engaging.  It didn't move at lightning speed the way I'm used to with most mysteries.  Instead it meandered along between the past and present, following it's own course.  It kept me wanting more.  I wanted to know who the person was that could perform such a viscous, violent act against the young seamstress as she was preparing to finish a cape late at night.  I wanted the guilty party to be punished for their extreme crimes.  But even more than that, I wanted to be there.  I wanted to be part of the story.  I wanted to help Josephine and Archie figure out what happened.  It's been a while since I've read a story that drew me in so much, that I wanted to be part of it.  I wanted to get to know the characters and live in their world.  I just hope it's an experience that keeps happening to me, just on a more regular basis.

I would like to thank Trish of TLC Book Tours for the opportunity to read and review this book.  I would encourage you to visit the tour page to read other reviews.

Challenges: A-Z, GLBT, FF, M&S

Don't Breathe a Word by Jennifer McMahon

Synopsis From Back Cover:

On a soft summer night in Vermont, twelve-year-old Lisa went into the woods behind her house and never came out again.  Before she disappeared, she told her little brothers, Sam, about a door that led to a magical place where she would meet the King of the Fairies and become his queen.


Fifteen years later, Phoebe is in love with Sam, a practical, sensible man who doesn't fear the dark and doesn't have bad dreams -  who, in face helps Phoebe ignore her own.  But suddenly the couple is faced with a series of eerie, unexplained occurrences that challenge Sam's hardheaded, realistic view of the world.  And they question their reality, a terrible promise Sam made years ago is revealed - a promise that could destroy them all.

Randy Susan Meyers, the author of The Murderer's Daughters, said this book is "...a perverse fairyland where Rosemary's baby could be at home."  I think I could end this review now, just by quoting her, but I'm not sure that would really be fair.  I just wish she hadn't said it, so I would be the first to do so.  Instead I'm going to have to elaborate a bit more and try to tell you what I thought of this one in my own words.  I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it justice.  So if my review doesn't leave you wanting to read it, just take my word for it and read it anyway.

When we first meet Phoebe, she is twenty years old and not really sure what she is doing.  She is having sex with her married boss who is forty years older than her, and doesn't seem to have a sense of direction to follow.  She appears to be someone going through the motions of life, but never really connecting with anything.  That doesn't seem to change until the day that twelve year old Lisa disappeared inside the confines of an abandoned village in the woods.

Fifteen years later, Phoebe is now dating Sam, Lisa's younger brother, and the past is about to slam them in the face.  Out of the blue, two events happen that are about to shake them to their core.  Evie, Sam's cousin, who was around at the time Lisa's disappears call and asks to meet Sam and Phoebe at a cabin in the woods.  They are going to spend time together over the weekend and talk about old time, namely Lisa's disappearance.  At the same time, Phoebe receives a phone call from a young girl telling Sam where to look for Lisa's book of fairies.  For all intensive purposes, the phone calls seems to be from an unaged Lisa.

When the weekend trip takes a turn for the nightmarish, Sam and Phoebe are forced to find out what really happened fifteen years ago.  The journey will shake Phoebe's faith in Sam and in everything else she thought she knew.  She's scared to death to tell Sam she's pregnant and is starting to believe the maybe the Dark Man of her childhood dreams is in fact real.  Maybe there really is a magic door under the bed that allows him in to steal you away.  Maybe the King of the Fairies does exist and is just waiting for the right time to snatch her out of the shadows.

I can't give too many other plot points without giving the story away, but I will say what I loved about this the most is the way it left me thinking about it at the end.  I loved the questions it was forcing me to ask as I read along.  What does Evie (the real one) know that she isn't telling?  What secrets are being kept by Sam's mother?  Is the King of the Fairires really going to make Sam keep his childhood promise, give up his first born?   As I read the book, I almost felt as if I was being pulled in two different directions.  On one had you have a horrific story of childhood abduction and the consequences of it.  On the other side I was, at times, almost forced to believe that Lisa really did go with the King of the Fairies, how else would you be able to explain the bizarre,  frightening behavior being displayed by almost everyone involved.

In the end though, the author brilliantly combined a story of one family's dark descent into their own family mythology with just enough "fantasy" to make you believe that maybe, just maybe, fairies really do exist.

I would like to thank Trish of TLC Book Tours for the opportunity to read/review this book.  If you would like to read other reviews on it, please visit the tour page.

Challenges: GLBT, M&S

Favorite Fictional Characters --- Willow Rosenberg

First of all I can't believe that it's been since July 15th of last year that I've talked about a character from the Buffyverse.  I feel that I've let my favorite TV show of all time down by not talking about them more often.  This month I'm going to remedy that a bit.  For the next 4 Wednesdays, I'm going to highlight one of my favorite characters from either "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" or "Angel".  Since I've already talked about Buffy, Angel, and Cordelia, this week will be all about my favorite witch, Willow Rosenberg.  By the way if anyone wants to go back and comment on any of those three posts, you are more than welcome to.  Buffy didn't get much response at all, poor girl.

Where do you start with Willow Rosenberg?  I guess it will have to be from the beginning, though I'll try to make this short.  When we first meet Willow, she is the really smart girl in school who doesn't seem to have a clue about anything other than how to solve long equations and spout off answers in class.  What you quickly find out about her though, is so much more.  Beneath the smarts and really bad wardrobe, is a girl who is sweet, unassuming, loyal to her friends, and always willing to help out. 

Once the show got rolling and Buffy's friends learned about her "uniqueness", Willow jumped into the role of researcher and budding witch.  Throughout the show those two things, especially the magic, quickly began to define Willow's role in the Scooby Gang.  As her powers grew, her role grew in fighting demons and monsters and even started to assert herself as a strategist.  That fascination with magic was also one of the biggest hurdles Willow had to face.  Over time, she became addicted to it.  She didn't want to do anything with out it, she let it define her as a person.  As you know, once you allow something to define you, that is all you see yourself as.  She ended up spiraling out of control, that eventually led her to taking the life of someone else using magic.  Now there were severe circumstance that allowed her to go down that road, but it was a decision that would haunt her for years to come.

The other thing that defined Willow for me was of all the characters she was the one that seemed to need to be in a relationship the most.  Now all the characters had issues when it came to love, but I think Willow was the one character that it came naturally to and seemed to need it the most.  Especially in the beginning she seemed to grasp at every offer of affection she received.  At first that caused her to make some bad choices, including leaving The Bronze with a vampire and falling in love with a demon over the internet.  Both of which almost ended her quest for love permanently. 

As the show progressed though, so did Willow and her attitude on love.  When she first met Oz they had an almost cute courtship.  They both were rather odd, quirky characters that fit well together.  The longer they were together the more comfortable Willow became with herself and others.  She seemed to find herself in a way that she hadn't before.  She even dealt with Oz being a werewolf, a situation she knew nothing about in the beginning.  The way she dealt with the problem, helped  her grow as a person and made her stronger.  As in any TV show though, no relationship is allowed to progress perfectly.  After falling back into her infatuation with Xander and almost costing her Oz, he ended up going crazy for a female werewolf and ditching her.  That almost tore her apart but it was needed for her to meet the love of her life, Tara.

With Tara, Willow blossomed as a person and as a witch.  Of all the couples on the show, they were probably the most well balanced and equal partnership.  They complimented each other in a way that allowed them both to become strong, independent adults.  It was Tara that helped Willow realize that she had a problem with magic.  I really think without Tara and her love, Willow would have never been able to break the habit and would have gone down the darker road earlier and longer.   When Tara is taken from her but a gunshot, Willow loses herself and does things she never knew she was capable of.  It was a long, hard road back to herself but through the love of her friends and time, she eventually did.  She even realized that it would not be betraying Tara to be with someone else.

I know a lot of people think Willow is the one character that changed the most and had no problem telling me so when I said it was Cordelia Chase that changed the most.  In reality, I think Willow was the one character that came into her own the most.  She, of all of them, fulfilled her potential and became the woman she was destined to be.

The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters

Synopsis From Back Cover:

One postwar summer in his home of rural Warwickshire, Dr. Faraday, the son of a maid who has built a life of quiet respectability as a country physician, is called to a patient at lonely Hundreds Hall.  Home to the Ayres family for over two centuries, the Georgian house, once impressive and handsome, is now in decline, its masonry crumbling, its gardens choked with weeds, the clock in it stable yard permanently fixed at twenty to nine.  It's owners - mother, son, and daughter - are struggling to keep pace with a changing society, as well as with conflicts of their won.  But are thy Ayreses haunted by something more sinister than a dying way of life?  Little does Dr. Faraday know how closely, and how terrifyingly, their story is about to become entwined with his.

I finally did it, I read a Sarah Waters book and I loved it.  Her books have been on my list for a while now but I always seemed to get distracted by something else.  When I found The Little Stranger for a dollar, I could no longer pass it up. The problem, or maybe it wasn't a problem, was that as soon as I bought it, I had a uncontrollable urge to read it.  Every time I picked something else up, this book cried out "No, Read Me!".  Once I obeyed, I couldn't put it down.

I found myself getting lost not only in the story of this family but in the Hall itself.  I'm not sure one can be separated from the other.  The story of the Hall is the story of the family.  As the rate of decline speeds up in the Hall, it speeds up in the family.  Where one suffers a setback, so does the other.  There is no clear line of where they begin or end.  The fact that the decline is told in such lyrically descriptive detail kept me glued to the story and left me feeling a little cheated once the last page was turned.

Everything in this book is flawed.  There is no one thing or person that doesn't have a trace of that decay running through it.  This is a land and it's people that are struggling to find their way again after the war and their story is told through the lives of the Hall and it's inhabitants.  The tension and sense of foreboding that runs throughout the pages kept building in small waves that slowly started to submerge the characters and the Hall in a flood of terror and utter despair.

When I first started the book I was under the impression that Dr. Faraday was going to be the hero of the tale, but as I got to know him more, I'm not at all convinced that he wasn't behind the slow descent into madness that took place.  Whether or not the troubles took place at the hands of some supernatural force, Dr. Faraday's growing obsession with the Hall, or some combination of both, Dr. Faraday was at the heart of a lot of it.  He, more than any other character, illustrated for me the dangers of a new world that doesn't quite make sense anymore. 

As a quick side note, I've never thought of myself as a fan of Gothic fiction.  But lately I've found myself almost enraptured by the whole genre and have recently picked up several more book and plan on picking up even more.  I'm really enjoying myself as I get lost in the type of storytelling that takes place.  I'm not sure if this change in my taste is permanent or not, but I'm going have fun while it lasts.

Challenges: GLBT, M&S

Under the Mercy Trees by Heather Newton

Synopsis From TLC Book Tour Page:

Thirty years ago, Martin Owenby came to New York City with dreams of becoming a writer. Now his existence revolves around cheap Scotch and weekend flings with equally damaged men. When he learns that his older brother, Leon, has gone missing, he must return to the Owenby farm in Solace Fork, North Carolina, to assist in the search. But that means facing a past filled with regrets, the family that never understood him, the girl whose heart he broke, and the best friend who has faithfully kept the home fires burning. As the mystery surrounding Leon’s disappearance deepens, so too does the weight of decades-long unresolved differences and unspoken feelings—forcing Martin to deal with the hardest lessons about home, duty, and love.

I'm going to be honest from the start, I've tended to have issues with novels featuring unhappy, middle aged gay men.  They tend to depress me in ways that other books normally won't.  I tend to imagine myself in their situations, and it's never good.  It's the outcome to my life that I've feared since I first started reading gay fiction while I was still in high school.  For those of you who aren't familiar with classic gay literature, most have unhappy beginings, middles, and ends.  So when I decided to read/review this book, I knew it was about a gay man who had to go home to deal with a current family emergency and the past.  What I didn't know is that Martin was going to be an older, lonely gay man who has been running from his past and his family for years.  If I had know that, I don't think I would have wanted to read this book, I'm still not sure I'm totally happy with my decision.  I'm a little ambivalent about this one.

The book is told from not only Martin's viewpoint but his high school girlfriend Liza, his sister-in-law Bertie, and his sister Ivy.  That's not the whole family by any stretch of the imagination, but they are the eyes we see everyone else through.  They all have their own secrets that slowly come out as the story unfolds. 

The catalyst for everything is when Martin's brother, Leon, disappears from his home without and signs of violence.  Martin is summoned home, not to help find him, actually I'm not sure why he was summoned home other than to be there.  But it's that homecoming that allows Martin to slowly deal with being a rural gay boy who never though he would be able to go home.  Martin's secrets aren't all that need to be told.  Ivy has plenty of her own, including how her brother went missing.

I really didn't like any of the characters.  The ones that weren't annoying were never really developed enough for me to care enough about what was happening with them.  The characters that were developed enough for me to form an opinion of, that opinion wasn't all that great.  Even the most likable of them just didn't get on my good side.

What I did love was how the author uses language to tell her story.  It's a lush, descriptive prose that despite my feelings for the characters kept me reading and wanting to know what happens next.  I wanted to know what those secrets were, I wanted to know what happened to Leon, I wanted to know what happened between Martin and Liza at the waterfall, I even wanted to know what Ivy was talking about.  I was caught by the story and the writing and I appreciate the initial experience.  I just think this will be the one and only visit I pay Martin and his family.

I would like to thank Trish from TLC Book Tours for the opportunity to review this book.  If you would like to read other reviews of this one, please visit the tour page.

Challenges: GLBT

GLBT Challenge 2011

I'm signing up for the GLBT Challenge 2011 which is being hosted once again by Amanda of The Zen Leaf. This challenge means a lot to me personally so I'm really looking forward to participating again this year.

The guidelines are a little different this year so I'll let Amanda tell you the basics:

The basic idea of this challenge is to read books about GLBT topics and/or by GLBT authors.

The challenge runs year-round as usual, but instead of requiring a certain number of books, this year I'm handling this challenge in a more do-it-yourself sort of fashion. You set your own goal. It doesn't matter if that goal is 1 book, 10 books, a percentage of your books, or to read from various age groups/genres. Your goal is completely up to you. Design this the way you want. Make it work for you. The important thing here is simply to get us reading GLBT lit.

You don't need to choose your books right away, and they can change at any time. Overlaps with other challenges are fine.

In January, I will put up a review linky. Those links help serve as a reference for others. They are also how I will track participants for the end of year prize drawing. For each book you review and link up, the greater your chance will be at winning. At the end of 2011, I will use random.org to select one participant - from the review linky - to win a book of their choice (up to $20) from the Book Depository.

Well I'm not setting a number goal on this one because I don't want any extra pressure on myself but I'm almost positive I'll be reading at least 12 books.

The Metropolis Case by Matthew Gallaway

This is going to be a synopsis free review because at the end of this typing bonanza I'm going to give you a spoiler laden, brief synopsis of some of the action. 

This was a book that as soon as it was offered to me, I got a little giddy.  The description sounded like something I would love to get lost in:

From the smoky music halls of 1860s Paris to the tumbling skyscrapers of twenty-first-century New York, Gallaway imparts the sweeping tale of an unlikely quartet, bound together by the strange and spectacular history of Richard Wagner’s masterpiece opera Tristan and Isolde.

When my regular (and rather cute) UPS guy delivered the book to me I will admit to feeling a great sense of anticipation for what I was about to discover.  I couldn't wait for the moment I would crack the page and discover these characters that are about to have their lives intertwined by one of the best pieces of music ever composed.  I was expecting something grand and epic, a story of four people whose stories would captivate me and sweep me away into their lives.  Instead I was treated to four rather dull characters that while I could tolerate three of them, the fourth was just boring for me.  Now, I'm going to say right now that my feelings for these characters are subjective and I can totally understand why someone else would love them from the get go.

The story, if you couldn't tell already, revolves around four main characters.  Martin is a 40 something gay lawyer living in New York City.  He doesn't really seem to be doing anything with his life and I think like a lot of people has found himself living in a rut.  To be honest, other than the fact that he was overweight and would be considered a "bear" in gay slang, I really don't remember all that much about him.  If found his sections of the book to be the dullest and I found myself having to force myself away from skimming the pages. 

Maria, as she is first introduced to us in the 80s, is a tall girl who is called Morticia by her classmates, not in a nice way.  The only interesting thing about her, other than her sulkiness and normal teen angst, is that fact she has a naturally beautiful operatic voice that is just waiting to be discovered.

We are introduced to Anna as she is about to come into the height of her fame as an opera singer.  She has finally been given a chance to shine and she takes it by the horns.  She is one of two characters that I actually got to like during the course of the book, which follows parts of her life from the 70s through 2002.  Of all the characters she is the one that seems to change the most during her life and the one that ties Martin and Maria together.

The fourth character Lucien, a young man who wants nothing more to take to the stage and perform like his mother did before she passed away.  Now he is growing up in Nineteenth century Europe so he is around for when Tristan and Isolde is performed for the first time, he's actually in it.  He is the other character that I really enjoyed, well except for the ending (but that's an entirely different issue altogether).  We get to experience his growth into a great singer and his falling in love or the first time.  He is the only character that I felt had any real emotion come off the page, especially when his lover commits suicide after the opera house he was building was slated for demolition.

So now that I've sort of introduced you to the characters, let me tell you my biggest problem with this book.  If you don't want to read any spoilers, please stop reading now, because I'm about to tell you a lot of what happens in the book.  The way their lives were tied together took too much of a leap of faith for me.  You see when Lucien goes back home to Paris after his lover's suicide his father, who has been working on a elixir to extend life, dies as a result of an experiment, Lucien drinks the elixir and then continues to live his life to present day. 

In the 70s he met Anna, slept with her, got her pregnant, and faked his own death.  Anna then gave up her children (fraternal twins) for adoption and never thought much of them until she judges Maria in a singing competition.  From there Anna just assumes that it's her daughter but never tells her.  Instead she ushers her into Julliard (after the adoptive parents die in a house fire during the audition) and supports her career over the next decade and a half. 

Sometime during this time, Maria meets Martin and they sleep together.  Who cares that Martin is gay, he just couldn't help himself and it happened.  I forgot to mention that around the same time that Maria's adoptive family died in the house fire, Martin's adoptive parents died in a car accident.  Years later Martin and Maria meet again through a mutual friend, Leo (who just happens to be Lucien).  Anna is on her way to meet up with them when she spots Martin and realizes that he is her son.  She dies and Leo (Lucien) tells them the truth about himself.  The End. (Plus End Of Major Spoilers)

Other than the fact that this story is beautifully written and that the author truly does have a lyrical quality that I found captivating to read, I just couldn't buy the story.  The whole elixir of life aspect just confused the story more than it needed.  I know the author wanted to tie all these characters together by blood, but couldn't Lucien have been related to them some other way.  I'm not going to even get into the whole accidental incest thing because I've seen it done in ways that were more necessary to the book than this one was.  I just didn't get the point of it.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just found this story to be a little too messy for me.  I plan on reading the author's next book though because his writing style kept me reading despite how I felt about the story itself.  I almost feel as if I should apologize for not liking the book as much as I wanted to.  I'm not sure I've ever felt that way about another book before.  I guess it's because I really did like the way the author wrote the book.

I want to thank Lisa of TLC Book Tours for the opportunity to read this book and I would encourage everyone to visit the tour page and read other reviews on this one.  I'm sure I'm going to be in the minority on this one so please take the time to find out what others though of it.

I would also encourage you to visit Matthew Gallaway's web site as well as his blog.

GLBT Reading Challenge 2010 Wrap-Up

Looking back on when I signed up for these challenges last year is making me realize that I still haven't signed up for any of them for next year.  I need to get going.  Well I signed up for this one on Nov. 16 and I committed to the rainbow level which was 12 or more books, I got exactly 12 books done.

Obviously my favorite books of this challenge was the Last Herald Mage trilogy by Mercedes Lackey.  I can't even tell you how many times I've read these books but I'll never stop.  Most of these books were rereads for me but the new ones for the most part are new favorites as well. 

The Dreyfus Affair by Peter Lefcourt

Drawing Blood by Poppy Z. Brite

Daytime Drama by Dave Benbow

The Lunatic, the Lover, and the Poet by Myrlin A. Hermes

The Danish Girl by David Ebershoff

The Secret Keeper by Dorien Grey

The Blue Moon Cafe by Rick R. Reed

Magic's Pawn by Mercedes Lackey

Magic's Promise by Mercedes Lackey

Magic's Price by Mercedes Lackey

A Demon Inside by Mercedes Lackey

Looking For It by Michael Thomas Ford

Looking For It by Michael Thomas Ford

Part Of Synopsis From Dust Jacket:

Mike Monaghan is the bartender at the Engine Room, a meeting place for the small but thriving community of gay men in Cold Falls, New York.  As Mike pours beer, wipes glasses and hears everything he's also witness to the men who come her looking for what they need - sex, direction, friendship, spiritual fulfillment, and love.

This was a reread for me and one that I love even more every time I read it.  Michael Thomas Ford, in every book I've read of is, does a fantastic job of creating believable characters that even when they are doing horrific things, the reader is still able to relate to what's going on.  And that's what this book is about for me, the characters.

The book tells the story of nine gay men as they navigate through life from Halloween night to New Year's Eve.  The time span is pretty short but the development these men go through is amazing, but never feels rushed.  The events feel like a natural progression of life and change their lives, most for the good, but their is some bad as well.

The two characters I love the most though are Mike and Father Thomas Dunn, an Episcopal priest.  They are wounded men both who have big losses in their past and while they are alive, neither one of them is really living life.  The relationship that they develop is one that at first glance doesn't seem to make too much sense.  One is a bartender in a gay bar, the other a priest who is on the verge of losing his faith.  Their friendship starts to heal them both and it's not long before that friendship turns into something more.

It's close to Christmas before either one of them is willing to admit to their feelings and they way it's expressed in this book is beautiful to witness.  There is a tenderness and shyness there that brings me back to the first time I really started to fall in love with someone.  The love they share changes them.  Mike gets his life on track and decides to teach again and Thomas regains his faith and love for the church.

The only other character that I wanted to go into in any detail, though I love them all, is Pete Thayer.  He is a deeply closeted, conflicted young man who can not get a handle on what he feels towards other men.  He fights it with such determination that he starts to make horrible decisions.  His only outlet is anonymous sex with strangers and when those strangers aren't quite willing, Pete has no issue with roughing them up a little bit.  He even comes into contact with two of the other characters in ways that change the lives of two of them and ends up terminating the life of the third.  Pete is the example of what self doubt and hatred can do to someone when they don't have anyone around to talk to.  Even when he is acting out and hurting others, you are able to feel the pain and anguish he is going through.

I would love to tell you about the other men but I would rather have you meet them yourself.  They all have their own stories to tell, all of which are worth hearing.

Favorite Fictional Character --- Vanyel Ashkevron (Repost Due To Feeling Yucky!)

I would like to apologize to everyone for not having a post done earlier or for not being all that active on my blog or commenting on other blogs the last few days.  I have been rather sick with a rather bad stomach bug, whose symptoms will remain unspoken, though I've had to work anyway.  Needless to say I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything once I've gotten back home, at least not anything that requires me to think.  I'm trying to get some rest so I can deal with tomorrow so I'm not planning on being on here much tonight either.

With that being said I wanted to re post my very first Favorite Fictional Character profile for two reasons.  The first and most important, is that he is my favorite character of all of them and probably the one that means the most to me.  Secondly, since this was my first post, there is a rather brief explanation for why I started this feature to begin with.

So with no further ado I would like to present to you, Vanyel Ashkevron, again.

I get asked at different times by friends, family, and other readers who my favorite fictional characters are. As most of you will know this tends to be a rather hard question to answer. We all like certain characters for many different reasons. We like how they overcome a challenge, the way they treat their friends or families, their wit and intelligence, maybe even it's just their name. Whatever the reason, we tend to fall in love with them because they connect with us on an emotional level. Something about them hits that proverbial nerve within us and they are a part of us for the rest of our lives.

So I thought I would, once a week, post one of my favorite characters and share some of the reasons behind it. I hope by doing this it helps you (the blog reader) discover new characters or gives you the voice to share why you like the characters you like.

The characters I post about will come from books, movies, TV shows, and even an occasional poem.

Now with no further ado, I will present my first character. I first met Vanyel Ashkevron a few years after college. I had read a little bit of fantasy when I was younger but got away from it during high school and college. The idiot I was sort of dating at the time (not that I'm bitter or anything) was reading Magic's Pawn by Mercedes Lackey and seemed to really enjoy the book. Long story short, I got rather sick for a few days and the book was the only thing around to take my mind off of how bad I felt.

It was love at first read. I had, up to that point, never found a character I could connect with in such a way that I would cry when he cried, laugh when he laughed. Here was a character that was going through a lot of the same issues I faced when I was younger and in a way still do.

A sense of isolation from those who he should of felt the closest too, his family. Not feeling comfortable in your own skin and not fully understanding why. The joy and almost instant pleasure at finding yourself and discovering that you are not only loved but worthy of that love. Finding your "home" and the "family" you choose. Then the pain and loss that is unimaginable at such a young age (he is 16 when this book starts). Finally the reawakening of yourself and your purpose in life.

He was the first fantasy character, the first character really for me, that made me feel that what I went through as a teenager was OK. That the pain and confusion I felt dealing with who I am and how that made me different form others was normal. He also helped me to understand that the way I feel today, and when I read the book for the first time, was my reward for going through the pain and isolation I felt growing up. That I had earned the right to be happy, be who I am, and enjoy my life and my "family" to the fullest.

I don't want to get into too much detail of the books because I really encourage you to read them. I will say there are three of them. Magic's Promise and Magic's Price are the final two books of the series, The Last Herald Mage trilogy by Mercedes Lackey. The links I provided will give you the basic premise of the books. However they can never explain the amazing person that Vanyel Ashkevron is.

Hellbent

Synopsis From Cover:

A night filled with beautiful people, music and dancing at the West Hollywood Halloween Carnival turns deadly for four gay friends.  When two men are found dead, the friends find that they are the killer's next target.  No one knows who will survive the night.

Apparently I was still in the mood for scary movies in November because I popped this one in the DVD player the other night and I rediscovered a movie that despite it's low budget, I absolutely love.

The movie was created by filmmakers involved with both "Halloween" and "Nightmare On Elm Street" so it gets a boost in the experience department.  When you have very little money, it helps to have people involved that know how to get the most bang for the buck. 

What I appreciate about this movie is that they didn't go for the cheesy, gimmicky feel that would have been an obvious choice.  When you make the first gay slasher movie, it's probably a little too easy to go over the top.  What they chose to do instead was film it as a great slasher movie that just happened to have gay characters.  The sexuality wasn't the focus, rather the homicidal maniac beheading a group of friends was the basic concept of the story.  Now I'm not saying that sex and romance don't figure in, because they do.  How can you have a slasher movie without those two things?  What I am saying is that those aspects where there to enhance the story, not distract from it.

What I love the most though, out of every other aspect of the movie, was the killer.  First of all he's hot, look at him.  He's wearing black pants, no shirt covering that great body and pretty sexy devil mask that allows us to see the full lips and goatee.  If I'm going to be stalked and beheads, let it be by someone who looks like that.

The best thing about him though is that we never learn his name nor why he's suddenly decided to start beheading gay men.  We don't know if he is some religious fundamentalist that hates gay men, if he's an escaped lunatic from an insane asylum, or if he just got dumped by his boyfriend and decided to seek revenge on everyone else.  I can't stand slasher/horror movies that feel a need to create an elaborate back story to explain the killer's behavior.  Sometimes it's nice to have a homicidal maniac be a homicidal maniac, not some psychological damaged antihero we are supposed to feel sorry for.

Now I'm not saying this movie is perfect, because it's not.  Like most low budget movies the acting isn't Oscar worthy, though it's no worse than most horror movies.  The crowd footage looks more like stock footage used on a network news broadcast, which it probably was.   No matter what though, the minor flaws inherent in a movie of this type doesn't detract from the overall product.  It's an entertaining movies that is well worth the 84 minutes it takes to watch.

This will qualify for this month's mini challenge for the GLBT Challenge 2010.

It Gets Better...It Gets So Much Better

I've been heart broken by the rash of young people killing themselves because they are having a hard time believing that living life is worth it.  They have all taken their own lives because they have been ruthlessly bullied for being gay  I think what I'm feeling and what many other's are feeling is magnified by what we had to deal with in school.  Listening to the stories of young people as young as 12 who have given up and let the bullies win makes me feel like I've some how let them down.  That our community has let them down somehow. 

There is a wonderful group on youtube called the It Gets Better Project.  It was started by columnist Dan Savage and his husband to let young people know that life gets better.  People can download videos to post their stories so they can tell young gay men and women that life is worth living and to not give up.  Since I don't have a video camera right now I felt I needed to do something on my blog.  I'm not sure how many young people, who I'm going to addressing this post to, will be reading this, but if only one teenager reads it and is helped by it, it's worth it to me. 



I also wanted to share with you the video that convinced me that I had to say something about this.  After watching it I needed to put into words what I'm feeling right now or I was going to feel powerless to help.  Joel Burns, who is a member of the city council of Fort Worth, TX, addressed the issue and I couldn't stop crying throughout the video.



The rest of what I write is going to be directed at any young person who is dealing with growing up gay in a world that still doesn't quite understand you.  I want you to know that you aren't alone, that you have a large community of people that love you and accept you for who you are.  We want to help you in any way we can and that we will be here for you when you need us.  If you ever need to talk, my email address is fforgnayr@yahoo.com and I'm always willing to listen.  I want you to understand that you aren't alone.

I wish I had the opportunity to tell you in person that yeah it's hard right now.  That you have to deal with a lot of shit and people being cruel to you.  You may have to deal with adults that aren't willing or able to protect you.  Teachers and parents who either don't care, understand, or know how to deal with it.  I wish I could be there for you to hold your hand and protect you from all the pain you are going to deal with over the next few years.  It hurts knowing that I can't keep you from being hurt, that I can't stop the bullies who are going to call you names and tell you that your life is worth nothing.  I can't stop the bigots from calling you a faggot or dyke.  I can't force your parents to protect you or your teachers to be there for you when you need them.  What I can do is tell you that no matter what is going on now, that not allowing them to win, that living your life is so worth it.

High school was hard for me too, I wasn't picked on that much but I felt alone and isolated.  I wasn't all that popular but I wasn't on the bottom of the ladder either.  I was one of those kids that showed up for school, had a couple of friends, but never really fit in beyond that.  I tried to join different groups so I wouldn't feel so strange but even then I never felt all that welcome. 

I joined a church because  I couldn't understand why God would make me gay to only have people tell me that it was evil and that I would go to Hell.  I would pray every night for almost two years that if me being gay was wrong that if God really did hate me for it, that I would just die in my sleep.  I didn't want God to hate me.  I didn't want other people to hate me for that matter.  I wanted to be just like everyone else, I wanted to be normal.  Over that period of two years I started to feel better about myself.  That maybe God doesn't hate me, that he in fact loves me for who I am.  Then I realized that if God loves me for me, that maybe I should love myself.  So I started to come out to a few people that I thought I could trust and for the most part I could trust them.  I know it kept me from being friends with certain people but luckily I found people that accepted me for who I am.  I'm not saying it was easy though.  I still wrestled with thoughts of ending it but I realized that while the pain can seem oppressing at times that high school doesn't lat forever.  That eventually I would be able to get out in the world and create my own family.

I have created that family for myself.  I am surrounded by friends who love me and that I can count on to be there for me when I need them.  I have a son that I adore and that I thank God for everyday of my life.  He alone makes high school worth it.  I'm single right now but I've been in love before I know the joy of having that in my life and I know that I will have it again at some point.  I have a decent job, a good car, hobbies that I love to do, and interests that keeps me living a full life.

I want to let you know that if you don't let them win, if you fight through and allow yourself to experience life, you won't regret.  There is a whole world out there for you to discover.  You will fall in love and have your heart broken but you will learn from it every time.  You will find a group of friends that will support you and love you and be there for you whenever you need them.  You will create a life for yourself that while it won't always be rosy, will be your own.  You have some many choices ahead of you that I'm wanting you to understand that please, no matter what, don't give up.  Give yourself the opportunity to find out what life is all about for yourself.  I'm begging you to believe us when we tell you that it does get better.  That you will be happy and loved, that you are worth having around and that all of our lives will be a little emptier without you in it.  Please, please just give yourself the chance to discover it for yourself.

Now to the adults out there that are reading this, I want you to look at yourself and at those around you.  I want you to pay attention to what's going on and protect these kids.  Let them know that they can count on you to save them from the worst of what they are dealing with.  Let them know that they are loved and cherished and that their lives are worth living.  Just be there for them, please.

There is another wonderful organization called The Trevor Project that provides a suicide hotline that gives LBGT young people someone to listen to them and to help them deal with what they are feeling.  Their number is 1-866-488-7386.

The Terror by Dan Simmons

Synopsis From Back Cover:

The men on board the HMS Terror - part of the 1845 Franklin Expedition, the first steam-powered vessels ever to search for the legendary Northwest Passage - are entering a second summer in the Arctic Circle without a thaw, stranded in a nightmarish landscape of encroaching ice and darkness.  Endlessly cold, they struggle to survive with poisonous rations, a dwindling coal supply, and ships buckling in the grip of crushing ice.  But their real enemy is even more terrifying.  There is something out there in the frigid darkness: an unseen predator stalking their ship, a monstrous terror clawing to get in.

I'm not sure if this is going to be a short review or a rambling one.  I guess we will see how much I actually have to say about this book (comes to find out way too much).  This is a book that I've seen around for a while and have read both positive and negative reviews on.  So when I found it a while ago at the Friends of the Library Book Store for $.75 I picked it up and it's been sitting on my shelves since then.  With Fall and cooler weather arriving I decided to give this one a shot.

I will have to admit that I almost put it down after the first 20 or so pages because it was moving a little slow and wasn't all that interesting.  Thankfully I stayed the course and found myself immersed in a situation that I could not imagine actually happening.  The fact that this book uses a real account of a doomed exploratory mission that ended up with two missing ships with both crews dead, makes it all the more compelling.

I found myself wincing at the descriptions of the living conditions on icebound ships with no heat and dwindling food.  The heartbreaking suffering and senseless deaths are so real that you feel you are watching them happening.  The desperation is palpable and as a reader you can't help but get caught up in it.

Now if this was the only element to the story I would have been happy, the fact that they were being stalked by an unknown foe and being ripped apart, made me ecstatic.  The elements of the supernatural that are laced throughout the book are like the whip cream on top of a hot fudge sundae.  Using Eskimo mythology (which I can honestly say I've never though all that much about before) to explain the monster captured my imagination.

I know I've read a lot of reviews that take issue with the pacing of the novel.  Quite honestly I understand where those feelings come from.  The pace never really picks up and at times you feel like you are plodding through snow and ice to get to the good stuff.  Myself, I thought it added to the story.  These men were stuck on the open ice for over two years, their lives are slow and plodding.  Would it make sense to tell their story any other way?  Besides the point, if this story was told in any faster of a fashion, we would have missed out on so many of the lush details and characters that I feel made the book what it is.

There are some terrific, complicated characters sprinkled throughout the story.  Some you will hate, others you will love, and some you could care less about.  I found myself getting emotional over a couple of the deaths though it tended to be of the more minor characters.  I missed them when they were gone and I felt like saying a small prayer to speed their souls along. 

One aspect of the characterization I found to be the most interesting involved two different gay couples.  None of the four men are all that prominent though two of them are talked about more than the others.  The way homosexuality is treated in this book, especially in the beginning.  I found myself wincing over the usage of the word sodomite, though I know it's fits the era of when this happened.  The fact that the two sodomites in question are about as based and evil as you can get surrounded by ice and snow made it all the more difficult for me to read.  I was beginning to think this was going to be another old fashioned stereotype of what gay men are like.  I thought I was going to have to swallow my feelings because other than these two characters I was enjoying the journey.  The author had something else in mind.  He introduces two characters, one on each of the ships, that were lovers before the expedition.  They had done nothing about it so far but they are able to reconnect and make peace with each other in such a way that I found myself in love with both of them.  There was such tenderness, love, and true friendship between the two that I was rooting for them to survive.  The fact that their story is told amongst the despair and violence made this book for me.

I guess this concludes my rambling review of a book that when I started it, I wasn't expecting to love as much as I did.  For anyone who has started it but couldn't finish it or for anyone who hasn't read it yet, I would encourage you to give it a shot and remember to be patient with it.  The payoff is well worth the time.

This will qualify for the R.I.P V Challenge hosted by Stainless Steel Droppings, the Thriller & Suspense Reading Challenge 2010 hosted by Book Chick City.